Never split the difference is a very interesting book. The pitch is a book on negotation by a former FBI hostage negotiator, but I found it to be a useful and practical guide to communication in general. Here are my notes.
The author, Chris Voss, spent many years as an FBI hostage negotiator and his contention is “life is negotiation”. He points out various ways that you negotiate in daily life. Not just negotiating a raise or a child’s bedtime but also for your idea to be heard in a meeting or to understand how to perform well at your job.
He says “negotiation is the heart of collaboration”.
The author explains this by talking about hostage negotiation. If they have four hostages, you would never say, ‘OK, let’s split the difference, give up two hostages and we’ll call it a day’.
A note on tone Almost every default person is male in this book which makes for a slightly irritating read. He also dramatises true events, some of which have tragic outcomes. So bear in mind, the tone of this book may not work for you.
The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.
He says a good negotiator is prepared for there to be surprises, but a great negotiator uses their skills to uncover the surprises they know are there.
Don’t commit to assumptions – instead use them as hypotheses to test, and use the negotiation to do so.
People want to be accepted and understood. When listened to, people listen to themselves more and clarify their own feelings.
Focus solely on what they are saying.
He talks about some familiar techniques. For example, mirroring: repeating the last three words someone said, in a calm voice, as a question.
He also talks about starting with “I’m sorry…?” with the intent to be curious, learn more. They will rephrase. If you say “What did you mean by that?” people will get defensive but “I’m sorry…” and mirroring gives clarity, while signalling respect and concern for what they are saying.
He also advises that your voice is important. He talks about the “late night, FM DJ voice”, deep, slow, reassuring. And your standard voice should be positive/playful. Relax and smile.
For example, they say “I need two hard copies of every document.” You say, positively, and with curiosity, “I’m sorry, two copies?”
Slow… it… down. Going too fast can make people feel they are not heard.
Say “it sounds like…”, “it looks like…”, “it seems like…”, not “I am hearing…”. Don’t make it about you. Then be quiet and listen, don’t say more.
Labelling an emotion in a neutral statement of understanding encourages your counterpart to be responsive.
Labels help uncover the primary emotion driving all of your counterpart’s behaviour. It might be the first label or the second, you may have to dig deeper, but by digging, you find the emotion that – once acknowledged – seems to miraculously solve everything else.
This is the part of the book I found most counterintuitive, yet actually works.
Prior to seeking agreement, do an accusation audit. What are all the things they might say about you as a reason to not agree to your proposal? Then you lead out with them. “You may feel…”
If they are unacknowledged or denied they have power. But if you label them, calmly, it takes the sting out of them, and helps your counterpart hear that you are understanding their viewpoint and are prepared to work with them.
He gives some good examples of this working in the book, and I have used this with success since I read it.
Acknowledging how your counterpart feels immediately conveys that you are listening, and once they know you are listening, they may give you useful information. Tactical empathy is hearing what is behind that.
He says “It may sound touchy-feely, but if you can perceive the emotions of others, you have a chance to turn them to your advantage.” Hah! That doesn’t sound touchy-feely at all, it sounds mercenary! But useful.
His contention is that a “no” is actually when you get the negotiation started.
There are three kinds of yes: counterfeit (to get you to go away or disingenuously to learn more), confirmation (that’s correct, reflexive) and commitment: the one you want.
However, he says actually you want to start with no, which can mean many things and frees people up to enter the negotiation. Preserving your counterpart’s autonomy by giving them permission to say no, calms them, allows them to feel they are in the driving seat; they’ve protected themselves; and that frees them up to listen to other views.
You could say “Is now a bad time to talk?” instead of a good time, so you get a no early! You could force a no by saying something totally wrong. Or talk about what they don’t want.
He says if your biggest fear is no then you are a hostage of “yes”; you can’t negotiate.
He also says that if you can’t get them to say no to anything then they are not ready to negotiate. They are indecisive, or confused, or hiding something, and you need to walk away.
“You’re right” doesn’t indicate commitment to take action, or even agreement. “You’re right” is what people say when they agree in theory but don’t own the conclusion. Summarise their position, really understand their point of view, play it back to them and get a “that’s right”.
He also says humans have an urge towards socially constructive behaviour. The more a person feels understood and positively affirmed, the more likely that urge for constructive behaviour will take hold.
People need to feel they are equally or even solely responsible for creating the connection and the new ideas they have. One way to do this is to have them feel they are defining success. “How will we know we are on track?” and “How will we address things if we find we’re off track?” And then summarising their answers until you’ve got a “that’s right”. Then you know they have bought in.
You need to show the other party they have something concrete to lose if the deal falls through. For example, you could let them know you are offering it to them, before someone else. People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realise a gain.
Another way to bend reality is to offer a range, and the number you want is in the low end. For example, you are looking for a salary of £90k, so you say (truthfully, don’t make it up) “At top places like $COMPANY, people in this role get between £110 and £130k”.
Here, he describes negotiation as “the art of letting someone else have your way”.
Another way to bend reality is by bringing in discussions of fairness. He describes “fair” as a tremendously powerful word for good or ill; the “F-bomb”, most commonly used as a “judo-like defensive move that destabilises the other side” and suggest some tactics to counter it.
If someone says they’ve made a fair offer, you can say: “Fair? Seems like you’re ready to provide evidence that supports that?”
Or if someone says you’re not being fair: “I apologise, let’s go back to where I started treating you unfairly and fix that”.
The positive and constructive use of fair is early in an negotiation: “I want you to feel you are being treated fairly at all times so stop me at any time if something seems unfair and we’ll fix it”. This sets you up as an honest dealer. You are then letting people know it’s OK to use the F-bomb if they use it honestly.
When it seems there isn’t a way forward, you can ask for your counterpart’s help in solving the problem. How do I x? This gets them to solve the problem, feel in control, and even feel like it was their idea.
So instead of “I can’t do that”, say “how am I supposed to do that?”. Instead of “don’t leave” say “what do you hope to gain by leaving?” Tone of voice here is very important; respectful.
Calibrated questions are open questions (i.e. can’t be answered with a yes or a no), and start with “what” or “how”. He strongly advises not starting with why, which gets people defensive. Only use why if you want them to defend a goal that serves you.
“Why did you do that?” can be recalibrated as “What caused you to do that?”.
The aim is to get them to think, not to just give a fact or defend a position. The implication of a calibrated question is that you want what she wants, but you need her intelligence to help you get it.
Tone is critical – not an accusation, a request for assistance.
Carefully calibrated questions convince them the final solution is their idea. And people work harder implementing their own ideas.
One relevant to job interviews is “what does it take to be successful here?”. This can also gain you someone vested in your success.
Instead of “does this look like something you would like?” you say “how does this look to you?” or “what about this works for you?” or “what about this doesn’t work for you?”.
Remain calm. If you start to feel angry, or you are attacked in a negotiation, pause and ask your counterpart a calibrated question.
Informal moments reveal information. It’s great to get face time because you can learn much more. He has a lot of examples of how to look for additional information, for example, the moment their requests don’t make sense is a time to push for more information.
When talking about getting to ‘no’ he calls this the “anti-niceness ruse”, not in the sense that this is unkind but in the sense that it’s authentic, not falsely polite; peeling away the “plastic falsehood” of yes and getting to what’s really at stake.
At the end of the book he reflects that one can only be a good negotiator by listening empathetically and speaking clearly, by treating everyone with respect and by being honest about what you can and cannot do.
The adversary is the situation, and the person you appear to be in conflict with is actually your partner.
I had expected a book on straight negotiation tactics, but what I got from this was more about communication in general. I have found the techniques really useful in helping to open up conversations, so that everyone can think about solutions to their best ability.
I found his argument that this is about authentic communication and constructive conflict very compelling.
There are a lot more practical tips in the book, specifically around negotiation, that I haven’t noted here and you may well get something different from it: I definitely recommend reading it.
You can also read my notes on some other books.
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